Horsemen
by is this wiener loaded
Summary: Grimmauld is a lonely place. That's probably what drives people who are trapped there because they're the most wanted man in the country to drink. Oh yes.


Gin, thy name is Sirius. Mother Hangover draped herself unceremoniously about him, hovering around his head and his stomach like a fly after shit. The fresh air in the back yard at Grimmauld Place wasn't helping, but what wasn't helping more was Remus laughing and flicking bits of food at him every two minutes.

"Just fucking stop it, alright?" Sirius clamped his hands over his ears and closed his eyes, hoping there might be a small chance that if he could no longer see the world, it might just go away and leave him alone. He counted to ten very slowly, then opened his eyes… Another pea came flying towards him but he couldn't even be bothered to duck.

Remus chuckled again. "You're pathetic, you know."

"Mhm."

"Aren't you going to tell me to fuck off again?"

Sirius grunted.

"Go on then."

The bang of the back door against the wall made Sirius think he might have been shot, but it was just Tonks coming outside to join in with the mockery.

She took one look at him and let out a low whistle. "Good lord. You hammered it last night didn't you? You look like a corpse."

"Like a corpse with bad hair," Remus added.

"This is a one-off. You look like this all the time."

"Hardy har."

"Come on kiddies, play nice," Tonks chided, trying to suppress a grin and being entirely unsuccessful.

"The world has ended," Sirius said. Remus snorted.

"Oh yeah, it's all over. Remember that time you were in prison? That was nothing. This is the _actual_ end of the world."

"I might die," Sirius said matter-of-factly, "and then you wouldn't be laughing."

"You sure about that?" Remus chortled.

"We could be about to find out." Sirius leaned forward and rested his head on his knees.

"Oh come on," Tonks giggled. "You've been in worse states than this. What about that time you had that absinthe? We were still scraping you off the floor three days later."

"Oh yeah," Sirius muttered. "And now I feel sick."

"If you vom on me I'll have to destroy you." Remus recoiled just in case anything unpleasant was coming his way.

"I'm not gonna vom, alright? I just want to, is all."  
Remus looked over at Tonks and saw that she was staring very intently at Sirius – her skin was growing gradually paler and more sallow until it exactly matched the tone of his. "There," she said, triumphant, "this is what you look like."

Sirius looked up and took a deep breath. "Nice jugs."

"Minus the boobs, obviously."

"And my hair is not that colour."

"It might be an improvement," Remus muttered.

"Fuck off."

Tonks leaned back against the wall. There was a pause. She was screwing up her face, obviously deep in thought. "What if the world _was_ actually ending?"

"I told you, it is."

"No," Tonks said, picking a leftover potato off Remus's plate and shoving it in her mouth. She chewed it thoughtfully, swallowed, and then continued. "I mean what if this was it, the last day on Earth, last chance, final crack of the whip? The apocalypse is coming. You have one hour to do what you want, realise your last wish or whatever, and then that's it. Bang. The End. Finito. Buhbye."

"You've lost it, love." Sirius was breathing heavily and obviously doing his best not to be violently sick, probably all over Remus.

"The horsemen are coming," Tonks persisted.

"What are you on about woman?" Sirius had sat up and was shaking his head, eyes narrowed, clutching his stomach.

"I read this book once, I think it was my Grandad Tonks's. It was about how the world ends and these fellas on horses come, and that's what signifies the apocalypse. If they turn up, you're shafted."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "I'm not even gonna ask where this book came from."

"I wouldn't know," Tonks said, "so it's a good job. Come on then, they're tying up their horses outside. You've got an hour. What are you gonna do?"

"I think Sirius's first step might be to get some Alka-Seltzer."

"Not a bad idea, Moony." Sirius was leaning backwards very slowly, and he sighed with relief when his back connected with the brick wall. He closed his eyes. For a short moment, Remus considered the possibility that his friend might have slipped into an alcohol-induced coma, but then Sirius opened his eyes again and started to speak.

"I think I'd break into the Ministry and nick a Time Turner," he said slowly, "then I could go back to a time when the horsemen of the apocalypse weren't camping outside my house."

"And perhaps," Remus added, smirking "to a time when half a bottle of gin didn't completely remove you of your faculties."

"No, no," Tonks teased it's an interesting idea, and quite impressive for a man who's almost entirely incoherent."

"I'm not still pissed you know, I'm just hung over."

"I meant in general. You do remember that you're the most wanted man in the country?"

"Don't pick on him when he's vulnerable," Remus smirked.

"It was a good answer!" Sirius protested. "Time Turner. It's obvious, isn't it?"

"Either that or get a sawn-off shotgun and scare the shit out of them."

"What are they tying up the horses for anyway?" Sirius demanded.

"I dunno. I bought you some time, alright? If you want, they can come crashing in through the front door still _on_ the horses and trample you before you even leave for the Ministry?"

Sirius considered this for a moment. "I think I prefer it the first way."

"If I were you," Remus said, setting his plate down on the concrete, "I'd get a shower first. If you turn up at the Ministry smelling like that it'll take about a minute for them to find you and throw you in prison. Or a bath."

Sirius seemed not to be listening. "Anyway," he said, "it's not gonna take them an hour to tie up the horses, is it?"

"Oh for crying out loud, it's a hypothetical situation. Don't be so pedantic." Tonks sounded irked, but her face suggested otherwise. She was grinning, and obviously impatient for another suggestion. "Come on Remus, what would you do?"

"Probably get pissed," he sighed, then added, "and if I sit next to him for much longer, it'll probably only take about five minutes for it to happen by osmosis."

"So you've got fifty-five minutes left then," Tonks smiled. "Please continue."

Remus looked thoughtful. "I think I'd get everyone round here," he said. "We could all take on the apocalypse together."

"You'd have a _party_?" Sirius looked shocked.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

"I dunno, it's probably not really the thing _I'd_ think of first."

"Are you kidding?" Tonks shrieked, collapsing into a fit of maniacal laughter.

"Come off it," Remus said. He couldn't help but laugh too: Tonks was actually shaking, and before long, Sirius had also cracked a smile.

"Alright, maybe I _would_ have a party. But wouldn't you want to try and stop it first?"

"You can't stop it," Tonks managed to say, and she pulled herself upright again, drawing deep breaths and trying to regain her composure. "If they're here that's it. I told you: game over, finito."

"Alright," Sirius said, "then if you can't fight them you could distract them with the party."

"You want to _distract_ the four horsemen of the apocalypse with a party?" Remus crowed. Tonks was shaking again, her silent laughter rendering her temporarily immobile.

"Yeah," Sirius was grinning now. "Yeah, get 'em in here, coats in the bedroom—"

At this, both Remus and Tonks collapsed into waves of uproarious laughter, their faces red and aching.

Sirius began to chuckle too, all of them delighted by the image of the horsemen of the apocalypse wearing coats.

"What sort of coats have they got, d'you reckon?" Tonks was crying with delight. "Like an anorak?"

Sirius roared, despite the pain in his stomach.

"Oh, a leather jacket, surely!" Remus howled, slapping his own thigh.

"Coats in the bedroom," Sirius continued as Tonks wiped the tears from her eyes, "then get them a Piña Colada--"

"There is no _way_," Remus interrupted, gasping for breath, "that they would drink Piña Coladas."

"Yeah they would," Sirius hooted, "in one of those big glasses with a sparkler and an umbrella…" His voice tailed off into a cackle, and Tonks relapsed into giggles.

"So they've got a drink, what next?"

"Well obviously then you'd want to get them so trolleyed that they forgot to end the world and passed out on the bathroom floor."

"You could nick their horses while they were unconscious," Tonks suggested, still fighting for breath.

"Yes." Sirius declared, pointing at her and giving her a knowing smile. "And that, lady, is why you're an Auror."

This roused another wave of hilarity, and it was a good while before any of them could manage any words.

The mirth gradually subsided, but all three were still grinning like idiots. Tonks was shaking her head but she looked over at the other two and smirked involuntarily. Some of the colour had returned to Sirius' cheeks, and both he and Remus looked the least harassed she had seen them in months.

"I think, Moony," Sirius volunteered after a minute or two, "I might need some Alka-Seltzer after all."


End file.
